Who said that the most beautiful characters in gaming have hair on their heads? Here is a brief excursus on the successes of bald men in video games …
Once, this writer had hair. A lot of hair in the head, with which you can even do that thing where you move your head slightly and the strands of your bangs whip your forehead. There was a time when the writer could feel the wind in his hair, he could run his fingers through it and he could think of original hairstyles. Not anymore. Not anymore.
The best bald men in video games –
Now the writer is a big bald idiot. Trying to run your fingers through your hair is the same as running velcro over velcro. It just doesn’t work. In the sun, he has to put on a hat to avoid looking like a burnt bonze. Life gives, life takes away.
But baldness is not the end. It can be the start of something big. Perhaps you will become a famous video game journalist who is admired and feared by his peers, or you could keep expectations a little lower and read the list of the best bald characters in video games for inspiration. Everyone starts somewhere, right?
Agent 47 | Hitman –
It doesn’t even look like it shaves, does it? It seems he was born just like that – slipped into the world with a smooth head and two guns in his hands. The steely eyes, the shaved head, the chiseled jaw – it all blends so well. Agent 47 is a beautiful man, and he would look really stupid with limp hair on his head. Get this, hair folks. One to zero for the bald.
Jack | Mass Effect 2 –
If you think that only men can show off the skinhead look, you are very wrong. Jack is one of the most badass characters ever in video games, and you can tell at first glance. Not everyone could wear belts as a bra and make it look cool but, by god, she does.
Kratos | God of War –
Oh, Kratos. There aren’t many video game characters who would manage to have an arc redemption after murdering their entire family and condemned the world to oblivion. Its secret? Bald.
Rude | Final Fantasy 7 –
True definition of a rudeboi, Rude is bright and cool, despite constantly failing to try catching a teenage flower girl. If he had had hair, he would have been ridiculous. Ridiculous!
Riddick | Escape from Butcher Bay –
It’s just Vin Diesel, right? He is a bald dude who is quite successful despite posting tons of cringe on Instagram. It is all we can aspire to be.
Solas | Dragon Age: Inquisition –
Not only is Solas bald, but his head is shaped like an egg. The point is, you never know. You never know! You may think you are okay, baldness sets in, and then you find your head obscuring the sun, towering over everything. You will only understand when people start entertaining conversations with your forehead, staring at Mount Doom as you die inside a little more. Solas is not that bad, but it has a strange enough shape. They don’t care. Everyone wants to go to bed with it anyway.
Diglett | Pokemon –
You don’t see Diglett crying in his cereal because he’s bald, do you? You don’t see him cancel social dates because he sliced his head like a famous chef’s onion. You don’t see him getting divorced and forced to sell his motorcycle. You don’t see him listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast in the shower.
Written by Kirk McKeand for GLHF
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